What does someone say to that?

After the second go round of trying to work for a this christian ministry it started to take an interesting toll. What I realized is that I didn't want to work for them I wanted to start my own ministry. The pressure of finding contacts was getting to me, and not hitting the amount I needed every time was frustrating too. However what I realized it wasn't my passion. I had no desire to o fundraisers outside of buildings. So I decided to quit the ministry. With not visiting my family I began to miss them a bit, so I thought about finishing out the week in ks and staying home, and letting my husband do his own thing. That didn't work because then I'd never see him, and I know he would never quit the ministry because he's loyal like that. 

I had no desire to be in the ministry, so my husband kept telling me you messed up big time with God he gave you a responsibility and you couldn't even fulfill it. Why should God entrust you with something else? Constantly brow beating me over and over again because I wanted to work somewhere else. If that wasn't enough he was sending to me texts how I did wrong in the sight of God by leaving the ministry. They're not the only Christian Ministry out there, thinking in my mind. That Saturday Night I decided to go home with Justin and the teams because we are married, but something happened that night. One of our co-workers cars was messed up, the computer started spazing stating that it was full but in reality the car ran out of gas. So after the text messages of what I needed to do, the guys got out and started pushing the vehicle. Then my husband under his breath told me I was lazy and didn't want to help them. I explained that no one asked to help. After breaking pass the point of no return and trying to overcome temptation of going back home. I completely broke and wanted my cell phone so I could call someone to pick me up so I could hitch a ride back to KS. My husband wouldn't give me the phone and I smacked him twice because he called me names. 

 We bantered back and forth saying he wasn't going to let me go home because I was his wife, and I'm thinking maybe if  you would stop yelling at me, we wouldn't be in this position. That night he stated that I was going to church with him in the morning and I said no I wasn't. I know the first time I slapped him was because he called me a name, but the second time was for not giving me the phone. The feeling I felt that night was terrible, as I watched my husband gave me a look a disappointment as he grabbed the blankets and chose to sleep on the floor the on the bed with me. I offered to sleep on the floor since I was acting like the jerk during that time but he did instead.

So sunday rolls around he's angry with me and I can see in his eyes. After debating in my head that I'd rather be away from him for a while then endure the pain he was afflicting, at least so I thought. He told me it was time to get up and go look for a job, and I'm thinking I'll never find a good paying job on a sunday. Then he responded well you made your choice now deal with it, get up, take a shower and go look for a job. Because the offense kept boiling over from last night to now, my heart was set on ks and to get away from him.  So I replaced the money for the rent and switched over the 90 dollars from his wallet, I didn't think much of a big deal at the time and he said what are you doing? I told him my plan, although I didn't say as to what I really wanted to do and that was get a greyhound bus ticket to ks. 

I said I've had enough and I wanted nothing to him if he was still going to be apart of the ministry, and he said obvious you don't care about me because your walking away from me. So I walked away and called an old friend of mine to see if he would pick me up. So in patiently waiting I was let down and found out to my dismay he never left ks to help me out. So I walked to a church outside of town, lonely as ever and no one to call on. I listened to the pastor preach and played the piano for a while, some nice lady gave me money to help out the situation. I told my sister and asked for her help and she had mike pay for my bus ticket but I still needed to get there. I ended up paying 70 dollars to get a taxi to the location where I wanted to go.

My husband how hard is it to find a job, several times that spoken again. And it made me never want to come back. At least so I thought.

So after my arrival in KS I found myself depressed and lonely then I ever was. I thought it was what I wanted, but in reality I did more damage to myself and my husband over a stupid argument. He told me he doesn't trust still and feels like he can't. I don't blame him at all. I never said where I was for the longest time, worried sick and wondering if I was coming home. Me being selfish almost killed our marriage. 

What does someone say to that? If it happened to me could I forgive someone like that? I don't think I could because someone lied to me and I said I never want to talk to them again. I don't know why God blessed me with such an amazing man, who is patient with me and still loves me regardless of being inconsistent, even though I don't deserve it. 

Your probably thinking wow this guy is a jerk to have his priorities over his wife, but look at his perspective, being hit and then not told for hours at a time whether your in town or not. And then be contacted as your leaving on a bus headed toward ks. Your heart would rip out too. 

After coming back home, I didn't get a response like the movies when your back with the person your supposed to be with. Even after we made love he still feels hurt, I've been home one day and me being impatient wants to fix it and pretend like it never happened. But the truth is it did happen. I did leave and hurt my husband and there is no way of getting around it. I type this letter to keep a reminder of what I did, so I will never do it again.