So little time.

With everything I have to do this semester, I'm going to have very little time to do anything with anyone at all. It's just crazy, but yet I'm filled with excitement. I know I can do this. God will give the strength to get by. I'm sure of it.

A rainbow on a cloudy day.

Life itself is great. I'm currently in a serious relationship with a wonderful guy that plans on marrying me. Which is awesome. However my parents have become extremely nosey about my business and what I plan on doing. It's rather annoying. I don't like having my parade being rained on. They find every excuse in the book to write him off. Well no matter what they do were still planning on getting married. Trying to find the right colors is annoying. There are so many ideas to choose from but hey that's how it works. This is something I've come to realize. Grant it I love my parents but I'm tired of playing monkey in the middle. yes to an extent mom and dad knows best, but they don't know everything!! They're not God!! I want to create an envioriment of love, forgiveness and peace. The way God intended for it to be. Not where there is hatred and manipulation, control and whatever non-sense comes my way. Whenever Justin and I try to do things right before God that's when the troubles happen three times than normal.

This whole situation is irritating but makes me laugh at the same time. Feeling thankful but also impatient. It just proves to me all the more that prayer will change things than exporting weighty words on others.

So I thank the Lord for bringing such a wonderful man in my life, that is gentle and shy and caring. I thank God for the wisdom he will bestow for us to save money for the wedding and for the approval we'll get from the parents. I thank you Lord for the endurance you've given my boyfriend to continue this relationship even though satan has tried many times to place difficult circumstances our way.

I'm so thankful for the forgiveness and compassion you bestow on those who are willing to turn from mistakes and move on.

Lord I believe in your word and I trust in you. Only this is possible through your grace and power. You are enough to soften the most harden of hearts. I pray that you would start with me. That I wouldn't let other peoples opinions affect me. That I would only care about what your word says.

I see the light at the end of this tunnel, I have hope and reason that you will work things out according to your plan. I trust in you and believe you will make a way. Of restoring the love of Jesus and loving one another to my family and starting with me. Healing past hurts on both sides. Only this can be through Christ. I thank u.

Your bigger than my problems, I have faith to believe that your there in the midst of the storm.

Lost in translation

The more I found about my ex the more I feel digusted. It's hard to forgive someone who lied to you and couldn't be completely honest to save his life, and then uses confusion or manipulation to get what he wants. I haven't talk to him since the last text I sent saying I find it hard to believe that he's trying to change. I stopped sending scripture to him because he would say amen and that's it. Does he even have understand the meaning of the term amen? It means let it be so.
I know the type of man that John can become but he chooses not to. His actions and the things he say are contradicting one another. That is what he's irritating!! God has such a wonderful plan for him, if he would see it. That's why I removed myself from him because i knew that all he was doing was using me and never showing any appreciation and telling me what I longed for him to say forever ago. How he is so blessed to be with me, and there is no other person that could take my place. However I never heard those words, and probably won't in the future.
I think that's what hurts the most. What sucks even more is trying to forget about him but yet I dream and think about him often. When he does come to mind I say a prayer for him and then I move on.

What can anyone say.

I feel so heartsick. I still deeply care about someone who probably doesn't even give me a second thought in his mind. I wish and hope and pray that things would be right between the two of us... but who's to determine that? only God. He can change anything the way he sees fit for His glory. I'm so glad that God's heart is so tender and His love is so generous. That his patience runs deeper than mine. He has more self control then I could ever obtain in a lifetime. I could always learn to be a little more loving or showing compassion, mercy or whatever I need, he gives it to me.
Thank you God.

I know that he is screwed up and has this fake facade that is over his life. I hate it when he acts all fake. I love it when he is honest and real, but also when he show's his affection. Sometimes I can still feel his hands holding me close to his side. But regardless about how I feel toward him I have to think about what is best through God's eyes for John.

I know why things between him and I didn't work out it's because my heart wasn't in the right place and niether was his. My relationship with him was interfering with my relationship with God. My first love.

What makes it even more confusing is about Joe, he wants to get involved with me and come see me in person. I just don't know if I'm ready for that right now. I can't even make sense about John. Cause the more I feel upset and disappointed about him. The more I feel like God is softening my heart and helping me to forgive him and let go and trust God to do what is good for him. I know that John someone to hold him accountable. I can't be the one though.

Because I've become so attached to him and I just need to let go of him. I know what i need to do, I just need to let go. Or does it mean rather instead to pray for him and continue to do so until there is clarity. I'm not sure, I need direction a simple word from you Jesus. A word of knowledge. Something to confirm that what I'm doing is right. Somebody that doesn't even know about the situation. Jesus I'm asking for something big, but I believe that you are able to fufill it. Even from you would be enough a simple yes or no on where to go will help the situation.

Just to open the door of opportunity, or close it if it's not from you. I want your will.
Help confirm what you want me to do. I want your blessing in my life. I want to do your will and live out your word. Help me Lord.

In a blinded estate

I don't know what to say. I'm in the middle of being happy about how things turned out between my ex and his woman but yet I'm saddened. I'm happy in one way because maybe things might work out between us, I don't know. But at the same time I feel upset that things didn't work out and both people got hurt in the process. It sucks getting hurt period. Man I've been battling thoughts and saying mean things about people, it has been a continual struggle. Not saying about everyone but certian individuals that are close to me or use to be close to me. And I just want to say I'm sorry and if I said anything it was because I'm jealous of you and I wasn't content being truly happy, and I was trying to control your life. It's not my place and I apologize.
I just wanna live in freedom that Christ speaks of and I don't wanna worry or feel uneasy about anything.
So my question is why is it so difficult to find these days? And why can't I not stop thinking about this one individual? Maybe it's because our seperation felt like several months but in reality it was one month all together. This pain will pass. :)

Slowly becoming wiser

Well God has been teaching and showing me how important it is to forgive others and treat them with respect even when they don't return the same for me. It's hard, but God has continually given me the grace and enough strength to do so. I love God. It doesn't matter how much other people hurt me cause i know that God is able to keep me. Am I saying that what people say about me and or the hurtful comments doesn't have an affect on me. I would be lying to myself. I was able to talk to my ex and it was an interesting conversation. However we got in a quarrell but we were able to get out of it. However I felt honored that he would trust me with what was going on with his life. But my heart was saddened for the things he had to go through. I feel for him very much. Whether we get back together or not, I wish the best for him. People may not even understand that, but they don't have to. If God can forgive me then why should I hold unforgivness toward anyone else. It's hard path to go on, but it's possible to do. It's only possible when you try to walk on the road toward forgiving someone.
Sometimes it takes capturing thoughts by the second or milla second, minute or every day to overcome temptation of harboring harsh feelings toward others.
Another thing I've learned is keeping my mouth closed around those I cannot trust with my secrets, or issues I'm dealing with.
I want my life to be a living testimony of God's faithfulness, and I will continue to live the best of my knowledge with abiding in the prescence of God and walking by his word.
Am I perfect person? By all means no. however God is good and I'm thankful that his blood and his love for me is enough to cover all my wrong doings, and is enough to set me free.

I'm slowly learning what I need to be, and he is teaching and showing me the way. I love him so.

To hold my tounge or at least bite on it.

Wow this year has been crazy and quite a learning experience for me. What few things I've gained is this. People will take advantage of you. Talk is cheap, but actions speak much louder than words. Trusting people is difficult and can be dangerous. However it's made me wiser to be careful about how I should compose myself around others. I've learned that I can't change other's that only God is able to do that. No matter how frustrated at may be toward them. It's all their decision on whether they draw near to you or not.

But why not take the chance to draw near? I will draw near and find healing and some peace of mind. I don't have to worry anymore. I just need you and that's it.